I’m Sitting Shiva For My Anorexic Body

When you’re recovering from an anorexia relapse, there are both visual and spatial components involved in the weight restoration adjustment period.

Experiencing, and dealing with, a new, larger body feels difficult and distressing.

Through each recovery interval, I’ve struggled with the discomfort of both elements. Of the two, I find visual stimulus more triggering.

Even as a starving skeleton, I would not, could not accept myself.

In my own estimation, I have never been thin, skinny, fit, toned, lean, “good enough” for my eyes.

For me, it’s less about comparing myself to others, a societal standard or media images, and more about self-flagellation.

Yes, every so often, while reviewing photographs, I’m able to recognize a more accurate judgment of my appearance; the rose-colored glasses slip down and my eyes get a reality-check, however brief.

But then.  There are mirrors. Ubiquitous. Unavoidable.

And body-checking compulsions. Continuous. Uncontrollable…


Originally published at www.blogher.com



@saltandpepperth or instagram



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