When you’re recovering from an anorexia relapse, there are both visual and spatial components involved in the weight restoration adjustment period.
Experiencing, and dealing with, a new, larger body feels difficult and distressing.
Through each recovery interval, I’ve struggled with the discomfort of both elements. Of the two, I find visual stimulus more triggering.
Even as a starving skeleton, I would not, could not accept myself.
In my own estimation, I have never been thin, skinny, fit, toned, lean, “good enough” for my eyes.
For me, it’s less about comparing myself to others, a societal standard or media images, and more about self-flagellation.
Yes, every so often, while reviewing photographs, I’m able to recognize a more accurate judgment of my appearance; the rose-colored glasses slip down and my eyes get a reality-check, however brief.
But then. There are mirrors. Ubiquitous. Unavoidable.
And body-checking compulsions. Continuous. Uncontrollable…
Originally published at www.blogher.com